FACEBOOK...that's where I am!!!  LOL

Well it's been a while since I wrote anything here...I guess I have gotten addicted to facebook with all my friends...but it is time to update my more personal page...Been seeing/hanging out with a guy I have known for 2 and a bit years...we just met for the first time about 3 months ago...and have had a few movie/dinner nights...we are friends...and seeing where that may lead...tomorrow he is making me eat food I have never tried...and those of you who know me...I am fussy...but I will...hes great...nice and honest...so I hope this works out...

Snowboarding has not happened yet this year but I am hoping to be out next weekend before I head to California...

My new car rocks...and I am happy to be behind the wheel again...I could have died in that car that night...and I didn't...so now I am living my life again...and I am not going to let anything hold me down again...


I will be singing again this year at the 24-hour spin...and riding a bike most of the 24 hours on stage...so I am pretty excited about that...

Hmmm...what else...family is great...Kiera...is such a joy in my life...and I love her to pieces...got my sister an Ipod...so she can have good tunes while she gets back in shape...

Planning to go to England in March/April...maybe over to Scotland to see some friends...

and that's it...yeah I know WEAK...but...hey I have to update this sometimes...

So last week I could have lost my life...and it has taken me a week to get myself to the point where I want to write about what happened. 

Nov 25th, 2006

I woke up in the morning 7am...taught my 2 spin classes (8:30 and 10am) than worked till 6 pm.   When I finished working I drove to London to meet a friend and go to a house party.  We decided to go to the gay bar out there...which is when I decided that I didn't want to stay in London.  At the bar the guy I went to meet got really drunk...and I did not want to deal with a sloppy drunk person all night...so I decided to get him home...and than head home to Mississauga myself.  My sister was home in Mississauga with my God Child and I thought to myself that it would be nice to be at home in the morning and surprise everyone when they woke up.  WELL the big surprise is I nearly didn't make it home PERIOD.

I don't know how many times I have driven super tired...so this to me was no different...with all the warnings I got about the drive on the 401 I proceeded on...I felt myself getting sleepy...opened windows, played loud music...but none of that could prevent what was to come.  I fell asleep...hit the paved shoulder, which had gravel on it...woke up...tried to correct...and the rest is more like a roller coaster...my car spun out...hit the ditch...took flight...and landed...I had to pull myself out of my car window...I was helped by a passer by named Sebastian...and than an off duty OPP officer called my accident in...ambulance, police and anyone who saw my wreak...all said...HOW ARE YOU ALIVE and WALKING AROUND...I don't know the answer to that question...If you saw my car...the only part of it that did not crush...was where I was sitting...Not one scratch, bruise, broken bone...nothing...and I live to tell you guys this story.

My sister and dad arrived to meet me in Woodstock...where Lisa my OPP officer took care of me...I was charged with careless driving...not cause she wanted to charge me, but because she had to...and she told me to take it to court which I am...she talked to my sister...and sent us on our way...we collectively decided to go to where my car was towed to pull my belongings out of the car...all of us did not want to head back to Woodstock anytime soon...so we headed to the body shop...and when we arrived emotions were everywhere...my sister nearly puked when she saw the car and my dad said that God must have reached down his hands and protected me in the car...

I have always felt things happen for a reason...when I was younger I nearly died...ate 80 heart tablets thinking they were candy...and now I escaped death in an accident that most don't walk away from...My dad says I am on this earth for a reason...that is clear...because in circumstances where I should have died...I lived...I am not a man of faith...but I have to say...whoever is out there watching over me...thank you...

This week has been arduous...Insurance, taking care of things pertaining to the ticket and charges...going to work...and looking for a new car...

But I have had the benefit of spending time with my family...and my close friends all came to tell me how happy they are that I am alive...I had a sleep over with Kiera...she pooed on the potty for the first time with me...I took her to the Rocketts, her first show...and was a very proud uncle...as she grows I am in awe of her...she is smart....determined...has a great little personality...and she is determined to do all the things she sets out to do...Typical Blair...but when she hugs me...and says I love you Uncle...I melt every time...and if I never got to experience the love and adoration that little girl has for me...I would never forgive myself....see spending time with my family and friends this week...made me realize how lucky I am to have survived...because all of Kiera's firsts I would have missed...because I would have never gotten to see my family again...and tell them how much they mean to me, and how much I love them...

What I have learnt...is more than ever I need to care more about myself...do more things for me...be happy in my own skin...and forget about all the bad things that have happened to me...I am here...and I am here to live...grow...and not let the haunting of the past influence my future...I have tried so hard since last April to try and replace Kyle...feel the love I felt for him with someone, anyone else...but the more I look the more I am disappointed...the day I met Kyle I fell in Love...and no guy, to this date, that I have met has made me feel what I felt the first, second and third time I met Kyle.  What I didn't realize is I need to take some steps back...I need to focus on myself...my continued health...looking for a new job/career that has some growth potential...my find my independence...by saving to by a loft...once I get those things in place...maybe prince charming may come out of the wood works and surprise me...I can't replace the love I felt for Kyle...it was real...it was raw...and it was a first for me...HE will never understand how much strength it takes to love someone and try and walk away, with very little stumbles along the way...

So the accident survival is a sign that things need to change and they will...I am going to make the most out of the time I have here because you never know when your time could be up...I guess someone out there is holding me in the palms of their hands...watching over me...and I will not say I won't make more mistakes...but what I will say is I will cherish every moment that I am blessed to have here on this plane...The lyrics from "Rent" come to mind:

"There's only us, there's only this, forget regret, or life is yours to miss.  No other road, no other way, NO DAY BUT TODAY!"

I love all of you...

Andrew

I guess I have to learn to not let the past dictate how I handle things in the present.  The guy I met, and liked, is no more!  I had a "red flag" go up for me, questioned him, and wham-mo I am an ass hole. 

Kyle to this day still effects how I view things when dating.  There was this energy when I met Kyle, that I eventually deemed as "love". But now that I have felt emotions that strong (even if he never felt that way for me), I want to feel that way again, weightless in someones presence...it's a powerful feeling...

Maybe one day I will figure out the fine balance of trusting enough without being naive, and maybe than I will not be such a fuck up.   I wish there was a manual on all this stuff...but I guess that is why we live...to explore...to grow...to get hurt...to become strong...

Maybe it is good Christmas is coming up...family and friends are all I need during the next few months...and maybe I can lose the last bit of weight I want as a Christmas gift to myself.  Cause being good to oneself is the best gift you can give to yourself. 

Well that's it...yes I am hard on myself...this time I deserve it!!!  :(

Cheers

Well I sit and think to myself...man does time fly...it seems like yesterday I rode my bike around the lake...but it has been over a month...LOL...Ohwell...I guess it is time for an update...I have to admit aside from a few pics I have lacked at updating my blog...but when you really have nothing to write about I guess you sometimes just don't.

So we will start with my dating life...I have been out a lot meeting new people and sorta doing things differently from how I have in the past...I have recently met someone that lives about an hour and a half away but we get along so well that we have decided to be friends with the possibility of a relationship when he knows where he will be in a few months...he is from Toronto and an ex Metro Cop...so I am hoping he will come back here...but till than I guess I have a few long drives ahead as does he...he came here the other day and met my parents...slept over...so it was kewl...first time I had a boy I liked sleep over in my bed at home...we were respectful and left the door open...only time will tell with this guy...but I am kewl with the pace as it is.

My friend Carolynne met a guy who went on a date with her...and I was super happy till tonight when I found out he did not call her again...She is an amazing girl and deserves a great guy...obviously this guy does not know what he is passing up if he is not going to continue to get to know her...there is always the possibility that he was busy with work and stuff...but a phone call still would have been nice...told her she has to be like me...meet and mingle...LOL...that way you can sift through the shit that is out there...

Work...what can I say...I am making really good money now for what I am doing...BUT I am still looking for a job...I need more challenge...where I can reap the rewards of my work more directly...plus I think I really want to get into Marketing, Print work, and PR...just took me 30 years to figure that out...

Snowboard season is coming up so I am looking forward to that...new stuff again this year...the benefits of working in the field I am in now...

I am teaching the Saturday spin class every second week through the winter season now...which is kewl as it is the coveted spot and they asked me...so I must be doing something right in my 1 and a 1/2 years of teaching...I am almost a 32 waist now...making a total of 10" lost over 5 years...so things are good...I feel great mentally, physically, and am really happy for once in my life...so looking forward to 2007...it will be a good year...

Well I am home now from my ride around Lake Ontario...and what a ride it was!!!  930km was the total distance...I guess guys who have done it in the past like to round up!!!  But regardless it was a huge ride, and a huge success for me.  I went out with a plan...I prepared, fuelled properly...and dealt with all the inner demons I had been harbouring...

We will start with the statistics...which point to the shape I am in right now...it was nice to see that all this hard work has paid off...

DAY #1

We left Gears at around 9am and headed out on our journey...15 total...we rode to the east...lots of fun was had...and people were anxious and really excited to get going...

My ride stats:  Distance 198.9km @ an Avg. Speed of 29.7km/hour.  My average heart rate was 134 and my high was 170...with a total of 4872 calories burnt. 

DAY #2

Woke up with a sore ass...but got dressed and ready to pedal...this was the day you could choose a long or short route...I told myself I was riding it all, so I chose to ride the long route.  So with picture-Esq blue bird sky's I headed out with my friends, and had a great day...

My ride stats:  Distance 230km @ an Avg. Speed of 28.7km/hour.  My average heart rate was 132 and my high was 177...with a total of 6122 calories burnt.

DAY #3

HILLS, HILLS and MORE HILLS...I was warned about day 3 and I was ready...this was the day I set out to shed the weigh that has been on my shoulders for months...and find some peace...No better way to do that than climb 39 hills...and these were not small ones...Mitch one of the leaders...said he had never seen someone get stronger on this day...and he could not believe it when I kept challenging him to sprints up the hills closer to the end of the ride...I was out to prove something to myself that day...what is that you might ask...SIMPLE...I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong...that I could do something if I wanted to...and that I was better than all the shit I have let myself go through the past few months...I will write more about that later...

My ride stats:  Distance 192.3km @ an Avg. Speed of 28.2km/hour.  My average heart rate was 135 and my high was 179...with a total of 5443 calories burnt.

DAY #4

Decided to wear a double shammy...my ass was hurting a lot...but I was determined to get on the bike...I had no saddle sores...cause I had been using a combo of Butt Butter during the day and Diaper Cream at night...my legs were feeling good...and strong...just had tender sit bones...so an extra layer of comfort was in need...tough day because it was raining and windy and flat and well you get the point...3 changes of clothes in one day because of weather changes...but everyone was happy and feeling good so we all had a good ride...

My ride stats:  Distance 162.7km @ an Avg. Speed of 28.3km/hour.  My average heart rate was 125 and my high was 165...with a total of 4563 calories burnt.

DAY #5: The Ride Home

I woke up in Niagara and was full of energy...ready to get home and see my family...sleep in my bed...have a nice bath and shower...so we got on the road...and headed home...and man was that a fun ride...the energy was there...we were trying a new route home...with a stop at a winery...we had winds...we had rain...but nothing could dampen the mood...we were almost done...and we were all excited to get back...because I had such a good ride and impressed a lot of people...I got to lead the pack into Gears...which was a great moment for me...my family was there...and man did I want to see them...I had this overwhelming emotional state hit me when I saw my God Child Kiera standing at the side of the road with a sign that said "I love you uncle Andrew".  She was always on my mind during this ride...

My ride stats:  Distance 138.6km @ an Avg. Speed of 25.8km/hour.  My average heart rate was 124 and my high was 172...with a total of 3888 calories burnt.

So as you can see it was a huge ride...and I accomplished many of the things I wanted to on it...First, I realized I am in the best shape I have ever been in...I taught my spin class tonight and was stronger than most of the people in it...I realized how respected I am by all my customers, who are also friends.  I know I am strong and determined...and I have a never say die attitude...but I learnt a lot about me emotionally...

I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for...I can put my mind to something and do it...I can look deep inside and find the energy to accomplish anything and everything I set my mind to do...Kyle destroyed me back in April...and I have felt for a long time that I would never feel the same about things...the future...but now I know the future can only get better...DAY 3 I said good-bye to Kyle...with every hill I climbed...I dealt with a lie...until I hit my last climb of the day and challenged Mitch to an attack up it...I pushed so hard...to get to the top of that hill...I wanted to be first...because in life I need to put myself first...I am an amazing guy, with a heart, loads of talents, and dedicated to myself and those around me...Kyle may have loved me....he may not have...but it truly does not matter anymore...because I am a doer, and he is not...I do what I want...to make myself happy...Kyle has no back bone...and can not follow his heart...when I feel in love with him I really did...so I am just glad to have loved and lost...than to have never loved at all...Kyle you are a distant memory now...I Loved you with all my heart...and would have been your husband...but to be part of my world...you will never know now...because I have dealt with you in my mind and will not be fooled again...I fell in love...not such a bad thing right...I just had to realize that when you fall out of it...you can't let it consume you...which was what I was letting it do to me...

What helped me with this was many things...I am going to start with the major one...being gay I may never have children of my own...so my sister lets me be very involved with Kiera's life...and I am such a proud God Father...every night I thought about Kiera's little smile, the way she runs to the door saying "I love you so much, unca Andu"...Kiera makes me feel so loved...see at that age love is easy...because it is true...kids see how much they are loved and they love back...so every day I thought about her...and I carried her in my thoughts to help push me through...

The second thing, my family...I can see the pride they have in me...and I know that they were rooting for me the whole way around the Lake...It was like I could feel their energy...I talked to my om and dad every night and got messages from my sister...before I set out on this trip they were the ones telling me I would have no problems doing it...and they were right...I am a very lucky guy...to have a family that not only supports me...but loves me they way they do...they are my family...and my friends...and I am very blessed to have all of them in my life!!!

Third thing...before I left I met a boy...someone that is just super sweet...we are dating...and seeing where things may lead...I have no idea where it will go...but I do know...that he was super sweet to me before I left...he told me he would send me some legs...that he would be thinking of me...and he called me every night that he could...so we will see...I have no expectations, that way I will not be disappointed...

Lastly...I rode with some friends...Barb, Dave, Andrea, Chris, Mitch, Neil, Andrew, Bill, Mark, Lloyd, Don, Dominic, Albert, & Scott.  All of these people made this ride a very memorable one for me...you will see when I post the pics on this blog...we have over 500+ pictures...and they are soo funny...the memories made on this ride will not be forgotten...and the friendships will never die...Thanx for the ride guys and gals...I could not have ridden with a better group of people...Cheers

 

The store I have managed for 4 years hosts an annual ride around Lake Ontario.  This is a 1000km ride, over 5 days, at 200km/day, and it is all about ordinary people doing extra-ordinary things.  This will be my first year participating in this event...and I am really excited...it will be good for me to get away and ride...think about things...and accomplish a goal I set for myself a long time ago...

As you all know the past few months have been hard for me...lots of downs, with seldom ups...but I am a fighter and I refuse to let my emotions get the better of me...I am glad I have them...but I need to move on...so I have packed most of my stuff, and am mentally prepared for the task ahead...

I wanted to do this ride because it will take me out of my comfort zone...and I want to see how well I can fend, with both my thoughts, and my abilities...

I am pretty excited about accomplishing a ride like this...1000km in 5 days...so huge...but I have been training and working hard to get to this point...and I am looking forward to the challenge...I think this ride is good for many reasons...Character building being one of them...I don't think I have faced a physical challenge like this ever...and I believe that I am going to learn something new about myself by doing so...

I am going to take this time to reflect...making my play lists on my IPOD was a long process...but day three the hard day is the day I plan to face my demons...it is a day of climbing on the bike...physically challenging...and I am going to make it a mentally challenging day...I still Love Kyle and don't know why...as I sit here I well up still...because for me he was a love lost...and I am over my anger, I am over my pity party...I now have to let go...so my music...on day three has a lot of memories in it...and I plan to face my demons head on...so I may be able to finally let go...you know the hardest part in all of this is I never really got to say good-bye...never got to hug him and say I love you...and honestly I am not sure it really mattered to him anyways...to hear his voice...or to see his smile...those are things I think about...and this is the reason I need to look into myself...and move past him...I opened my heart to have it destroyed...I just hope when I come home...I will be stronger in mind...I will have accomplished something most would not try...and I will have faced my demons and moved past them...

It was a year ago this month that we started talking...and I will never forget the day I met you...

Sorry guys...I know I said I would not do this anymore...but I guess I am thinking lots with this ride...and I need to get shit out...so...wish me luck...with this journey...and when I come home...hopefully I will be free of this pain...and able to see a brighter future...

Thank you all for your support...each of you that I have given access to this page have to know...what you mean to me...cause this is a very raw space for me...and very telling...take care and wish me luck...Cheers

Well been a while since I updated this...and I am not sleeping well tonight so I thought I would get some things off my mind and on the screen...

First, my mom found out that the Spot they saw on her brain is not Cancerous, but it is a blood Vessel...I am not a neurologist so I have no Idea how bad it can be...so the wait continues...three months till another MRI is done to see if their is any movement or growth...I feel for my mom cause even though she doesn't show concern on the outside I know she must be on the inside...I scares me to think it is a possible aneurysm and if it is not caught in time...well lets not talk about that...I am going to maybe try use my strings at trillium and maybe have Carolynne help me get people look in into this more closely...

Work wise I am still trying to find a new job...one that pays better...I wish I could work where I am for more than I am making...this month I typically get a raise...so we will see what happens...but I do think it is time to move on...

Keira is growing up so much these days...she is so smart and man does she make me feel loved...I opened the door yesterday and she ran to me and said "Unca Andu, I love U so Much!"  My heart breaks each time she says it...how easy it is for a child to love soo much...and not be tainted by this world we live in...I will do everything in my power to make sure she grows up happily adjusted...makes me realize I would be an amazing father...I promised myself no tears when writing this one...so I will not cry...

Hope all of you are well...I am doing better these days...stopped going to counselling and I will miss Sharon...she and I had some good chats...probably will touch base with her once and a while...just to make sure I am still on the right track...well...I think that's it for now...and it is time for bed...Take care everyone...cheers

So today I found out I am setting out on a 1000km bike ride...takes 5 days...and I am PUMPED...The trip is around Lake Ontario...and it will be with some of my favourite customers...so should be a lot of fun...and I will lots of pictures and stories I am sure when I return...guess I will have to do a lot more riding before now and than...I think I may ride to Niagara and home...as a test ride!!!  LOL...What have I gotten myself into...

Other than that things are great...I have been invited by Burton Snowboards back to Vermont this year so I will get to go and do some snowboarding out there...and I am planning a trip to Europe for myself...I know I have said it in the past...maybe I will just move out there at some point...I have recently started looking at jobs...and sending out my resume...NOT that I don't love where I am...but I want more money...

On that note I have also started looking into Lofts in Toronto area...I think I will move out within the next 2 years...once I have saved enough to put a good deposit down on a place...I just wanna make sure that where I am working I can afford a house, my car, and my leisure time...

Went on a date last night...#1 so who knows...but he is a really good guy...so I will see...

I am trying here guys...I know you all want to see me happy and moving on so I am trying...no promises...but also no expectations...we will just see how things pan out...hard to move on when you still hold feelings for someone else...but maybe dating will help me realize there is no point in loving someone that never loved you back!!! 

Well short update...write more soon!!!  Cheers

DANCE LIKE NO ONES WATCHING

One of my favourite quotes comes from Alfred D Souza ...

"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin.
But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time ... and remember that time waits for no one ...

So stop waiting until you finish school ... until you go back to school ... until you lose ten pounds ... until you gain ten pounds ... until you have kids ... until your kids leave the house ... until you start work ... until you retire ... until you get married ... until you get divorced ... until Friday night ... until Sunday morning ... until you get a new car or home ... until your car or home is paid off ... until spring, until summer ... until fall ... until winter ... until you are off welfare ... until the first or fifteenth ... until your song comes on ... until you've had a drink ... until you've sobered up ... until you die ... until you are born again to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy ...

Happiness is a journey ... not a destination!!

Thought for the day:

"Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no ones watching."

So today I sat and thought to myself...I have been beating myself up about things...going over all these scenarios in my head about what ifs...and coming back to the passage above.   Happiness is a journey ... not a destination!!  Reality is I can let myself be controlled by the things I have no control over...or I can take control over the things I have control over...that being myself and my happiness...

I am currently the healthiest I have ever been...I am smaller now than when I was 15 years old...I have a great family...and a God Child that means the world to me...My close friends Carolynne, Geoff, Tracy, Kate, Ryan, Scott, Scott A, Brandon & Tamara, Anna and Lucy...all have been there to help me pick up the pieces...

Maybe I have been unfair to the potential suitors...I mean I have been dating...trying to move on...and honestly it is probably better I stop...because I am not sure anyone will be able to change the feelings I had for Kyle...I remember the first day I met him...and I thought...man he is not going to be into me...and little did I know he was thinking the same thing...in the end...it was all lies...but still I know how I felt...and I know I would have married him had that chance arisen...I have been thinking all along about how unhappy all of this has made me...but I have let it make me unhappy...I have let Kyle control my happiness from the start and even now in his absence he has held his control...BUT no more...I mean really...the only person that can make me happy is ME...and I choose to be happy...Healthy...hopefully wealthy one day...and content that I was true to myself and my feelings...

Kyle loses out here not me...I know he reads this Blog...because he seems to want me to know he has visited "fieldsofgold"...and for what purpose...Scenario #1 is he is really pathological...and is being malicious, by directly trying to hurt me...or...Senario #2 he truly does love me...

Going back to my posts a month ago...when I talked about the e-mail he sent me saying that he loved me regardless of  his circumstances...His circumstances are in HIS POWER to control and change...just like my happiness is in mine...he is the only one that can change his circumstances...and to be honest...I know that if Kyle really loved me he would leave MATT...and follow his heart...if there is one thing I have leaned in life up to this point...is that you need to live every day as if it were your last...and go after all the things you truly want in life...so Kyle stays with an "investment", an emotional and financial investment...and denies himself of true love...see for me if I was in his shoes...I would not care about all the investments in the previous relationship if it meant being with the man I truly loved...if you HONESTLY love someone else...you need to be honest and leave what you are in...NOT for the other person but for yourself...I am sure there is part of Kyle that feels "Andrew would never listen to me...so whats the point in even trying", and if he is asking himself that question he learnt nothing about me in the 8 months we knew each other...

Funny thing is Kyle asked me why I never came after him...why I didn't try to destroy him...why I just ended up walking away...the answer to that question is simple... it's because I truly LOVED KYLE...it's that simple...Yes he hurt me...yes I was destroyed and still to a degree am...but that does not change the fact that I loved him...so instead f seeking out revenge I loved him enough to let him go...NOT ONCE but TWICE...I just walked away...I have relied on myself (inner strength), my friends and family...and a councillor...and I am finding out how to deal with my broken heart...mend it so it can learn to love love again...If Kyle doesn't see the love in what I did for him...he is a blind fool...and he will never understand...You can live your life with Matt...Be comfortably numb...But you will always read my blog...and wonder what if...watch my life from afar wishing in the back of your mind that you could be a part of it...you can see the love you could have had...the love you wanted...but were to scared to go after...you can spend the rest of your life knowing that you pushed away the one man that would have moved mountains for you...so in knowing you read this I say this directly to you...  "go ahead...read my page...peer into my life...and watch me move on...because by the time you grow some balls and do something about all of this...it will be too late"...I would be Lying if I said I didn't still love you...but who do I love...I think I loved the Kyle who created Debbie to let me know what he was doing as wrong...I think I loved the Kyle that cried on my shoulder one day...I think I love the Kyle that I know Loved me...where is he now...he is a scared fucking coward...to afraid to cut his chains and grow up...at least I know that this saying holds true..."it is better to have loved, than to never have loved at all"...and I did love you KYLE...the question is "did you ever really love me???"  because if you did...do something about it...rather than reading my blog to not comment...grow some balls and do something RIGHT for once in your life...I challenge you to make this right...even if it is just to talk over coffee...IF you can't do that...and if you never really loved me...WALK AWAY...don't read my site anymore...whats the point...unless of course scenario #1 one is true...and you are a sick guy that just wants to maliciously hurt me for no reason...

I would like to believe you are not...so prove me wrong...ACT...because you can never know when your time is up...
I chose to be happy...and I will always dance like nobodies watching...because only than am I truly free...If I had a week to live...I would make things right...and I would have no regrets...I would make sure I lived my life being true to myself and the things I wanted out of life and love...Long winded I know...but I guess sometimes it is better to get the things out of your brain so you can sleep at night!!! LOL...  Cheers everyone...and Kyle...if you made it to the end of this post...I think you know what I am am saying...

Tonight I am sitting here thinking to myself about the past week...the fact that thoughts of Kyle are always on my mind...I think about someone that doesn't think about me...I care about someone that has no feelings towards me...I latch on to someone because they show me love...but not the love I want...SO Scott is my friend...I realize that now...thats all he is and ever will be...he has a lot of soul searching to do himself...and I really can't go on that journey...and I know I will only end up hurting myself more...

I have gone over so many things in my head...and I think it is best I just remain single...I am not ready for any of this shit...and I am scared I will never love again...I know all the feelings I have for Kyle...are feelings towards someone that I am not even sure is real...who is Kyle...is he that guy I saw...in the weak moments...the one that talked as "Debbie" showing his conscious...is he truely in love with me...and just has no idea how to be with me...or is he just playing games...and am I still a puppet on his strings...I thought I would be over this by now...but I am not...and increasingly I want to see him...but like that will happen...like I will ever get to know the truth...my first True Love...

Returning the ring I bought for Kyle was the step I thought would bring me closure...now I wish I had it...because it was the only thing I had that represented my feelings...so tonight I sit...and cry...it's been a while since I have so I guess it is about time...sometimes I wish I could just disappear...and when I returned things would be different, better...but I know I have to face this...I know I have to face the fact I was lied to...I know I have to accept that I feel in love with someone that doesn't love me...and I have to accept that the one person I had strong feelings for after Kyle...was really just a friend...

I think it is time for bed...gym at 6:30am in oakville at the Y sneaks up quickly...at least I have my health...even if that is all I have...

Well today my mom goes for her MRI...and I can't sleep hence the late night blog entry...I am just crossing my fingers that this is all nothing...That what they saw in her cat scan is benign...but I will eave it at that...don't wanna Jinx it...

As for me...I am stressed...and thinking a lot again about things...and people...Funny how a grocery store like Sobeys can bring back memories of a fun call...or driving by a Williams...but enough...I am blabbering and tired and maybe should get some sleep...it's nights like these I wish I had arms to fall asleep in...cheers everyone!!!

So tonight I went to see Scott perform in Toronto...and I sat, watched, teared up, and felt proud.  There Scott was...on stage...doing something he loves...and he was simply amazying...captivating...and made me regret not following my own dreams...

As most of you know I used to sing, act, dance...and stopped because I just didn't see it going anywhere fast...now I perform whenever I get the chance...and am always asked..."Why are you not doing this for a living?"  The only answer is I had to become comfortable in my own skin before I could truly devote myself into something I loved...I had to love myself before I could make the decisions I needed to make about my future...Regret...something I don't like living with...and I let it loom over me...

What I don't regret is having feelings...and being able to express them...I think it is healthy to do so...and I have to say over the past few days I have had a gamut of emotions running through my head...I miss Kyle so much for some reason...YET...I know he doesn't even care about me...and then there is Scott...he is everything that I want...but can't have...because he is not in the same place as me right now...so I make drunk phone calls to the only number I ever had for Kyle (Lucky for me the number I had was not taking calls)...and I watch a man I love dance...and move me in a way not even he could understand...

Scott...what can I say...other than with every ounce of me...you evoke feeling...you have been there for me through some of my darkest, scariest moments...and you stick around...you love what we have (whatever that may be)...You also know how deeply I loved Kyle...and you have nourished that in your relationship with me...I am blessed and cursed...I fell in love with a man that could never truly love me...and I have a bond with another that I can't act on...because of time and space...Scott if you read this, you know what I have to say about "us"...Maybe one day...we will see where "us" will lead...all you have to do is say the word...I know you have stuff you need to do first...and I know I need to mend my heart more...but what I do know now...more than ever...is the feelings I have for you are not those of "rebounding" but they are true...I love you because I know you love me...I know that because we don't have to say it...we feel it...I can see it in your eyes when you want me to see it...so don't feel bad for me because you are not where I am right now...time is good...and the future is still bright..."who knows right!"

On another note I need to be honest with whats going on in my head....

I am really hurting inside...so I am just going to write now...I sit with tears forming in my eyes...and I feel utterly lost...wondering why I can't just get you out of my head...why I still sit and love a man who doesn't love me...who lied...and than walked away and left me alone to pick up the pieces of my broken heart...I have good days and bad...and I am trying so hard to let go...but I can't...cause I still feel you...part of me just wants to hold you again...and part of me knows I shouldn't...you could never be with me...because you are not man enough to walk away from what you have for something you want...you paint me out to be crazy...well if having a heart means I am crazy I would rather have a heart than not...I would rather feel love...than deny myself of its trueness...I would grab the bull by the horns...because life is too short to let what you really want slip through your fingers...I just wish...that I could see you again...to know that all your words are not lies...to know that what I felt was justified...to know that this pain I feel is warranted...

Maybe this is the best point to stop for tonight...I am tired, rambling, and thinking of two people...both of which I love...and both of which I will never understand their feelings towards me...all I know is I had a ring for one...and I am not sure how to let go...

To my friends...thank you for reading this shit...thanx for letting me speak without being spoken to...and most of all...thanx for being people I can trust with this site...me granting you access to this page means you mean something to me...so thanx for respecting that...Cheers

So I have been told I need to write more about whats going on in my life...

First off...My mom is having an MRI next week...she had a cat scan last week to see if she had a stroke...and they noticed a small cyst on her brain...I am trying not to worry as the doctors are saying it is small...but we will see what the MRI says...keeping fingers crossed...you all have my number so call me if you want updates...

As for me...you can see if you look at the new picture of me in my photo album I have been back at the gym working out.  I added swimming into my routine about 2 months ago, had to switch gyms as a result.  The YMCA in Oakville is a great place...and 6:30am morning workouts are getting easier to handle...I still need to get to bed earlier at night...LOL...but baby steps... so what is my routine...I swim 2 times a week @ 850-1000m a pop...Full body weights 3 times a week with 15-30Min's of cardio...I teach spinning 2 times a week...and I try to get out on my road bike 2 times a week with a total of 200-250km/week...so yeah its a bit of a loaded schedule...but right now I am taking time for me...so it is good...

It has been a lot of fun the past two weeks because my niece Anna is here from England ...she is 22 and tons of fun...her and I have always gotten on well...and she has come out and met a lot of my friends (Yes she came to the gay bar).  She is a great person to talk to...and more like a friend than a niece...and we have gone to the Zoo, Chinese Lanterns, Wonderland, Movies and clubbing...having her here has been great as it keeps me busy...and I am not dwelling on the past...

I have picked my guitar up again...and am playing more songs than I ever have...maybe I will find a way to get samples of me singing on here...its fun...and stress relieving...singing was always something I loved...and I know through music I have always found meaning...so I am re-kindling that love...and finding some inner peace while doing so...

My Digital SLR is back out and I am shooting...so be prepared for many more pics to come up in the next little while...there are lots of new artsy shots in a new photo album...feel free to comment on any of my pictures...nice to get feedback on what others see in my work...

I am super excited that Scott is coming home this weekend...he is back this Saturday and is starting a run of dance performances over the next week...so I am finally going to get to see him dance...we talked the other day about how much we missed one another...he truly is a great friend...and who knows what the future holds...he just told me the other night...he loves what we have...and I told him I did too...all I know is when I see him I will hug him so tight his eyes will pop out...

Kiera is growing up so fast...and man does she love me...I come home from work and if she is here...she runs to the door saying "Unca Andu Home" and with a big smile she jumps in my arms and hugs and kisses me...who needs a boy friend when you have that kind of love...I have to say she has brought soo much joy to my life...and my sister letting me be such an active part of Kiera's life has meant the world to me...

I am going to New york with one of my friends for an impromptu to weekend getaway...so I am super excited about that...never been...plus I have been making a lot of new friends lately...and re-connecting with a lot of older ones...the funny thing for me is the re-connections...are all saying the same thing...they don't know what they were thinking when they lost touch with me...and how great it is to have me back in their lives...what they don't get is I am the lucky one too...cause I have so many great friends...who make me realize everyday that I am someone that deserves to get everything I want out of life...because I am a good person...sometimes it just helps to know others view you, the way you would like to see yourself...

homonym I think I have rambled enough now...so I am going to go to bed...gym at 6:30am sharp...Cheers

Okay so I went to see "You, Me and Dupree", with my best friend Carolynne, her bro and his girl friend.  Funny movie, some would say pointless, but we all know Hollywood tries to send messages in movies...so through the mindless jokes...and movie cliches...I got what this movie was about.  It was about finding your "Ness"...adding that to the end of your name...because your "Ness" is what makes you, you.

Yeah, only I could make something deep come out of a movie like that...but still I sat and thought about a lot tonight...in fact I have been re-evaluating my life for the past few months...wondering what I do to make myself a target for hurt...and why I settle for things/people that are not good for me...this weekend I was able to reconnect with some old friends in Toronto...and one of them said "Andrew, what do you want to be remembered for?"  pretty involved question I must say but it got my brain turning...

We all have one thing in common in life...we are born to die...that's a reality...and I am not trying to be morbid...I am stating a fact that helps to make life, its purpose and meaning, become a valid plan...What we do with our time here on this plain is what defines us as people.  All actions, have reactions, and who we become as people will determine how we handle ourselves in the world...

So how do I want to be remembered?  I want everyone to remember me as the guy with a smile on my face...the guy that brings excitement and fun to everything I do...I want to be the guy people say...Hey look at Andrew, now that is someone with heart and dreams...and he will do nothing short but accomplish them...But what I want to be remembered for most is my commitment...My commitment to friends, family and eventually my partner...I want to be the one most can say never did them wrong...that I kept my morals and ethics in check at all times...so if I falter the only person that gets hurt is myself because I slipped...by no means am I perfect...but I can aspire to be that way...I want to be known as the bigger person...the one that can love, but walk away...the one who dreams, no matter how big the dream may be...and the guy who's not afraid of the future...but embraces it and what it holds for me.

I have thought a lot about who I am, what I want, what I don't want, and how I am going to go about achieving my goals...I need to start looking to the future...I am starting with looking for a new job that has challenges...helps me develop and recognizes the work I do, and rewards me for it...I plan to take care of myself...Mind, body and soul...making sure that I am always the one who comes first...and never making myself secondary to someone else...

I guess reading what Geoff wrote about me a few weeks ago in this blog, made me see how I am viewed by someone I love...and it helped me find myself again...he notes my ability to "live life out load"...be myself regardless of consequences...and fight for what I believe in...and now I understand...life/love is a journey...one that you have to take to figure out what makes you tick...and how you fit in the world around you...I now know that I am here for bigger and better things...that I am going to make something out of my life and not be a victim...I am a doer...and only I can lay/change my course...

On another note...

I know I said I would not talk about Kyle anymore...but I have thought a lot about him since his last attempt to talk to me...He contacted me...after 3 months...I have done nothing but try to move on...yet he still messages...and for what...maybe selfish reasons...I suppose it is to try and relieve his guilt of destroying me...breaking me down to nothing...making me feel like something was wrong with me...when all along...I was the honest one...the one that truly gave myself to him...the one who really fell in love...I don't think I have ever felt love the way I felt it with Kyle...not even sure he would understand the love I felt for him...or maybe he does and that's why it is hard to let go...

To say "I love you, regardless of our circumstances"...Yet he has done nothing to change those...makes no sense...why send me the message at all...I mean I guess it is probably because he does love me...and has no idea how to walk away entirely from all he has ever known...but I would walk away if it meant having a love that most would kill for...and I know he felt it...guess that is why he is finding it hard  to "quit me", so instead he sends me messages to point out the obvious "he can't be with me"...he is making sure I know he loves me so I will have problems moving on...so knowing Kyle...he is still reading all of this...so I am going to say this...Hipjoints song "Sunshine" describes what you have done to me...how I feel...and if you ever loved me you will leave me alone...never contact me again...unless it is to say I have divorce papers signed and I wanna talk...I wanna say sorry...and I wanna see if we can start again...I know people would say I am crazy...but I saw something in Kyle...maybe its why he can still drive that knife in my heart...

I have posted the lyrics for the song:

Sunshine

How do I begin to stop loving you
How do I go on by letting go,
How do I pretend I know what to do
When deep inside I know that I don't

My heart is weak
Too tired to sleep
I'm incomplete
Like a day without sunshine
God only knows
This faded soul
Will stand alone
Waiting on sunshine

How do I forget to remember you
Tell me how to mend a broken heart
How can I explain what I'm going through
It's like trying to find a shadow in the dark

My heart is weak
Too tired to sleep
I'm incomplete
Like a day without sunshine
God only knows
This faded soul
Will stand alone
Waiting on sunshine

Oh yeah yeah, sunshine, sunshine

Ohh my heart is weak
I just cant sleep sleep
I'm in too deep
Waiting on sunshine
And God only knows
This faded soul
Will stand alone
Waiting on, waiting on , ohh, sunshine, sunshine, sunshine....

Cheers and thanx for taking the time to read everyone...maybe through my writing you will all experience life in my shoes...and use some of my mistakes as lessons for the future!!!

Well I am about 5-8 pounds (depends on the day) away from the goal weight I set myself a few years back...to date I have lost close to 80 pounds...and these last ones are going to kill me...I have been working out 5 days a week at the YMCA...at 6:30 in the morning...Yeah the morning...two swims...three full body weights w/ cardio...Two outdoor rides (about 80-100km X 2)...and my two spin classes a week...YEAH I know some of you will say stupid...but hey I am surviving...plus it helps keep my mind off things and focused on me...

See the way i see it is working on myself helps me become stronger to deal with the shit life throws at ya...and I think I can see a difference already...so I am wiped right now...so I thought I would write about it...get over it and get ready for another week of hard work...

Recently saw lady under the water...I suggest going to see it if you like good movies with a good message attached...I loved it...

What else...not sure I have much more to write so that's it for now...may be riding my bike around lake Ontario at the end of September...so I am excited about that...and possibly off to Ireland in Oct...to meet Patrick...my friend I have had for years on line...Dublin should be fun...and why not go if you have a friend with a place...Cheers

Well I sit here this morning after a good work out...and think to myself "there's no day, but TODAY!"  And it makes me want to conquer it.  I was working out at the Y in Oakville this morning my usual routine...6:30am get my ass to the gym and work out...and half way through my workout this morning I thought...all these steps I am taking for myself, are making me a better, more confident person.  I don't need anyone to tell me I have acted in ways that are not acceptable...because I know I live my life in a manner where all my actions I would not change...I guess sometimes people need others to make themselves feel better...when the only person who can do that is yourself...so I wake up today...refreshed...and ready to tackle life...make the decisions that best suit me...and get me what I truly want...and what I know I truly deserve...

Funny thing is the new friends I have made over the past three months...all think the world of me...and for once it is all of me they are seeing...Thanx everyone for caring and noticing the changes I am making...everyday I grow stronger...and I will give myself the respect I deserve...so today is a new day...and I am going to make the most of it!!!  Cheers
Drew

Today I feel free from chains that I placed on myself 4 months ago.   I will start by saying that I truly loved Kyle...the Kyle I thought I knew was a charming, loving, caring, and intelligent guy.  The Kyle I see now...is someone that cares only about himself...and does not really think about the consequences of his actions.  As per an earlier Blog entry you will note that he just recently tried to get in touch with me.  Cryptic as he always is I have to try and read between lines...I have to figure things out...and I the one made out to be crazy.  Well NO MORE...I am not crazy...in fact I have been far to nice.  But I would not change how I have handled a thing...

See I woke up this morning and realized that I have a choice, I could walk away with my my dignity and pride, in a situation I never had any control over to begin with, or I could let Kyle get the better of me again.  All I ever wanted to hear Kyle say to me again is that he loved me...but I realized this morning that he has no conception of what love is...he has done nothing but hurt, manipulate, and chip away at my self esteem.  If you love someone you don't treat them the way I have been treated...I have tried for over three months...to find a way to get back to myself...to love me again...and not let this experience taint me...I have been seeing a councillor...confided in my closest friends...and had the support from someone that means a lot to me...(yes that's you Scott). 

So I am choosing to walk away...like I always have...I will not be made into someone that is out to destroy a life...I am NOT that kind of guy...Yes I sent Matt...Kyle's alleged husband...all the e-mails and correspondence that I had with Kyle.  But I honestly felt they meant nothing to Kyle, so why should they mean anything to me...Reality is Kyle didn't give me options in my behaviour...but instead was fast to point out when I did something he didn't like...well...I know I am not a bad person...I know I have my head screwed on straight...and I also know that I am better than all of this...

If I was in the position of having an affair...I would close a door before I opened another one...I would have told the new person in my life I think I loved them...but I needed to be honest and get out of what I was in...but I would have ended the first thing before even looking for the second...I got wrapped in a terrible web of lies, and deceit...YET I still love Kyle...I saw his soul...I know what lies deep within him...BUT I also have to open my eyes...he doesn't love me...even if that's what he says...he throws that word around like it is meaningless...cause if he loved me...he would have left me alone...instead of continually trying to hurt me...he knows I love him...he knows I want him to love me...but I am not going to fall prey to this again...he has a choice...we all do...to be happy...so I am making my choice to be HAPPY and walk away...I think one day...should our paths cross again...he may see I am the biggest mistake in his life...cause I would have made him the happiest guy on earth...I know I would leave something I was comfortable in for the unknown...because it is better to know...than to guess what could have been...

So this is my final entry about this subject (crossing fingers)...I am going to move past this...knowing I am the better person for it...Kyle sent me that message to let me know he still loves me with everything he's got...I beg to disagree...because if he loved me...he would have just left me alone...

I will always love Kyle...the Kyle who cried on my shoulder one afternoon...probably because he knew he was lying to me...the kyle that made me smile every morning ready to attack my days...The Kyle who sent me roses...and the Kyle that always reached for my hand....I know he is in there...I just wonder if he will ever set himself free...who knows one day our paths may cross again...and for me it would not be a bad experience as I truly don't hate him...

So that's it for now...needed to write today...helps clear my head...time to go and do some more productive things...Cheers

Not sure how many of you know that the owner of my business just raced in RAAM...Race Across America...you can go look at the site... www.teamrace.com/raam ...Well during that time I was asked to do one of the CBC News Spots...teaching spinning with 36 of Kevin's and my spinners...and I have to say it was a defining moment in my life...

I was really nervous...and asked why did Ira and the CBC choose me...would I be good enough...how would it go...would I look dumb on TV...But I got on that bike and did what I do best...Inspire...and the funny thing is I realized that day the change I have made in myself and a lot of people around me...I have given the average Joe a reason to believe they are not so average...I have realized that I have made soo many accomplishments...and that there is a city that respects me...

See I lost close to 80 pounds now in 4 years...Kevin's Journey across the States has inspired so many people...he once said to me, "It's all about ordinary people, doing extra ordinary things!!!"  Well Kevin is one of those ordinary guys that has inspired many...and as a result has inspired me...who has now become someone who also inspires...lol...that was a tongue twister...but I think you get the point...

So Kevin and I are a lot a like...we do things to make our community a better place...we care about the people that care about and support us...our business and to be honest when I got him on the phone for the news...and talked to him...the emotion that went through the room was so intense...I had 36 spinners, both men and women crying...and I began to tear up myself...in that moment...I felt the most alive I had ever felt since December...because I has a conduit to inspiration...for many people...

I am going to attach the clip from the news to my blog so you can download it and watch it...that's my update today...I am trying to get better at this...Cheers

 

I really don't know about you guys but I will put it out to you...why after all this time does he still send me messages...The he I am referring to is the guy I loved...Kyle...I get this e-mail saying this....

"Just because someone doesn't love you in the way you want, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they've got - regardless of circumstances"

First of all what does that mean...because I wanted to be loved for "REAL" I mean lets face it...I am not loved by someone who lied to me about everything...and who lives with another man...who is his husband...that's not love...as to the second part..."doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they've got - regardless of circumstances"  Well only you can make circumstances change...I mean if Kyle loved me as he says he does he would have moved on with me...been honest with me from the start...

The way I see it after months of counselling...is Kyle did love me...I mean I am not even sure what is fact or fiction...but I will take it that he is Married...Matt exists...he has been with him since 16...knows nothing more...at age of 24 wants to know...is there something out there that I am missing...did I settle too soon in life...meets me...and WHAM MO...meets a guy with accomplishments...great family...friends...stable...FALLS in LOVE...but what to do...go to the guy you have no promises about the future with or stay with something you are used to...THING is if he took the chance...I am more stable than anyone....I am a great guy...with a heart (mind you it has been terribly broken)...I would have married Kyle...I would have actually moved out and lived with him (and all of you who know me, know that's a big deal)...I would have MARRIED HIM...MARRIED...not a small step in a Man's life...

So when I get that e-mail...annonomously...but I know it's him...I ask myself...why be cryptic...why not just spell it out...be a man...say Andrew I love you with all I have got...but right now...it is not enough to give you the love you need...why not treat someone you love with the respect they deserve...instead I am left to fill in the blanks...I am the one that has to decipher the message...and it is like having a knife driven into my heart...I am not over Kyle...I have tried and tried to get over him...and the funny thing is...I know somehow he and I are connected...I dreamt of him...and two days later...he writes...I just want LOVE to make sense...and understand how I fit in the picture...answers that I will never get I suppose...so I sit and try to fix my broken heart...

So all of you are probably wondering why I have not updated/written anything in my blog for a while.  Well I was sorta using it as a private journal...I know that only my closest friends have this address.  So for all of you I am going to make an update.

The past few months since my return from the Dominican I have been working on myself.  I have been seeing a councillor to deal with my emotions, and my hurt.  I have started back at my gym, and riding with my customers.  I have made enough changes to feel like I am getting somewhere...this week has been hard for me...I still dream about Kyle...and think about him a lot...I loved him so much...and to an extent, even after all he has done to me, I still do.  I guess it is that side of me that truly believes that even though I found out he was married...and that most of the things he said to me were lies...I know he did love me...and I think he would be with me if he could...STUPID to think...but I do...so sometimes I think I have not let go...

Riding my bike through Milton, heading to my new gym in oakville...is tough...driving through Burlington...still makes me uneasy...I look for him in cars...I see him in Music...I see him in movies...Funny thing is I look the best I ever have...lost even more weight...know that I am a good person and anyone that could see that in me would be lucky...but instead I rail road dates...I try but my heart is not in it...

So I am thinking of a trip for a little while in Europe...my friend Patrick said I could stay in Dublin with him...I have family in England, Switzerland...so I have places to stay...not going to happen for a while...but I am seriously feeling like I need to go and do some soul searching...

For the first time in my life I LOVED...Truly loved...and would have devoted my life for eternity to someone...that's a pretty powerful thing...so I am taking my time now...and letting things settle...I am going to attach a picture that was taken a few days ago...and one taken at pride...just so you guys can see me now...Cheers...

 

 

 

Well I have been home now for about 2 weeks from my trip in the Dominican, and I have to say what a good time!   I met so many good people, but more importantly I found myself again.  I had a rough first few days...I like to be active and do things, but I had been holding myself back from getting involved in the activities at the resort.  I think my mind was sorting through unresolved feelings and issues I was having with my Ex Kyle...thinking how he said he wanted to do an all-inclusive with me...and even in knowing everything was a lie from him...I sadly still missed him...

I quickly decided that this was not how I was going to spend my vacation...so I went back to being the Andrew I know I am.  Outgoing, involved, and ready for whatever was ahead.  My sister and Frank were the ones who convinced me to go on this trip and I am really happy I got to go and spend the time with them.  Natasha has always been someone that is good in helping me get back on my feet and feeling alive again.  It was really nice to be with three people I care a lot about. 

I met three girls from Toronto, Andge, Annarita, and Mel...who quickly befriended me.  From that moment on my vacation began.  I got involved, got known, and had an awesome time...from singing on stage, by myself, and with Jan, to playing horseshoes, water polo, volleyball, and many other activities...I quickly made a name for myself on the resort.  sorta Felt like highschool, everyone know my name and was always saying hello...you would have thought I had been there for a month, when I was really only there three days at that point!  I also met a couple who were just married from Scotland...Jan and Lee...These two became really close friends to me...and we spent a lot of time talking about life and stuff...I am really glad I met them and hope to visit them next time I am in Scotland (Thanks for the open invitation guys)...

The end result of this trip was a sense of belonging...I have an amazing family, great friends (both new and old), and a vest for life.  I guess I surprise myself sometimes with my resilience, and realize I lost nothing in the past six months, but rather I gained.  I am smarter for what happened, I am stronger, and I am not the one who loses out in the end.  I guess it takes time away with oneself to realize ones worth.  

I saw this saying the other day, and I can't get it out of my mind.  When you think about it, it's a very true statement.  When I realized that I was played like a puppet for months I was going to run, leave Toronto, my family, my friends, and find somewhere to start fresh, away from all the bullshit I had just gone through.  But I realized that in doing so I would accomplish nothing, other than hurting myself, and everyone I care about.

"What hurts us, makes us stronger" is another good one.  I mean lets face it, you have to live life to experience it.  You have to take chances on love, occupation, friendships etc, to learn more about yourself and people around you.  It is how you figure out what you want in life and love, by learning what you don't want.  To be honest I have come to terms with my feelings about what just happened to me.  There is no excuse for all the lying, but I did love Kyle...that's a fact...and I think in his own why he loved me.  All the unanswered questions I am okay with now...like did he ever really love me? was it all a lie? would he have ever left Matt for me?  and in the end...do the answers really matter.  NO...

By running you show weakness, you can never learn and grow by running away.  Sometimes you just have to "Man Up" and face the music, accept the cards you have been dealt and find a way to move on.  If you can do this, you will become stronger for it, if you run, you will find yourself somewhere down the line faced with the same problems because you never learnt how to deal with them the first time they emerged.

So now that I am 30, I am going to behave like I am 30...accept what I have been dealt...and move on...knowing I am the better person for doing so...and I know I will never be taken advantage of again.  I never would have admitted my weaknesses in the past, but I know I am not afraid to now...it's in confronting those weaknesses that I will become strong, and in becoming strong, I will live a very happy life.    

So tonight I went to see a movie with my sister and Scott...Lucky Number Sleven...and I have to say...what a great movie...funny how you can watch something and think about so many other things...and what I am thinking is my luck is changing...see...7 has always been one of my favourite numbers...and on the eve of my birthday I go and see a movie with my sister and Scott...Tash is my best friend...Scott is a gift...

I will explain...things happen for a reason...I feel like my life for 6 months has been a movie...and I have been the puppet...and the only time I have felt sane is in the presence of my family...and certain friends...Scott...is someone I met in the mix...someone who was there for me when, really he didn't have to be...and what has come of it...I am not really sure...all I know...is with him around things are easy...he fits...my family think he's great...and I just feel at home with him...I believe in fate...and maybe I was to meet Kyle...to have what happen happen...to meet Scott...so I could see the difference...and I will never look back...I am not defining things with someone in my life...I am just enjoying my time spent with them...and maybe that is what I am meant to do...

Lucky Number Sleven...Watch it...I will not say much...other than...one event leads to another...and the chain begins...well it is now my birthday...and I spent the first few moments...with two people I care about a lot...My sister...who has loved and supported me for 30 years...and Scott...someone I know I was supposed to meet...when he is around it all just makes sense...So yes HAPPY Birthday to me...I am a lucky guy...and so very happy to have the friends and family I do in my life...

 

So in a few days I turn 30...What does this mean? 

On a subconscious level...I feel like there are so many things that I have yet to experience.  I have been tense, for more than one reason (read past posts), but I always come back to the fact that I just want SO much more out of life. 

I guess we will start with the obvious.  I am going to be 30 and have yet to experience a "Real" relationship.  I started having relationships with men at the age of 23.  Making my dating/relationship skills equal that of a 16 year old at the age of 23 (downside of not accepting who I was until later on in life).  But you can only find love and happiness, when you love and become happy with yourself.  That is something I have realized and have been working on for the past four years.  I am working on me!  Taking my time to develop into the man I know I am/can be.  So that when someone See's "ME" and chooses to be with me for the rest of their life, they will never regret that decision.

I am still at home with my parents...and I know most would say "your 30, don't you think it is time you moved out?"  I guess people have never met my parents.  Without their support over the past few years I am not sure where I would be right now.  I am not making excuses for my living arrangements, I have it pretty easy, and I get a lot done for me.  The plus in that, more time to work on "ME".  I spent so many years running from who I am, and those are years lost in my development.  So having less to stress about from the stand point of money, groceries, bills, I am left with the ability to focus in on the most important thing right now, and honestly that is myself.  I am far from being a selfish guy, if anything I am too accommodating, and too self sacrificing.  But it is that time in my life that I stop running in circles, and figure out what ANDREW needs/wants and being home right now allows me the time to do that.

Career:  I manage a shop...A very successful one...but is that why I went to university?  Probably not...am I living up to my fullest potential???  depends on who you ask I guess...all I know is I am very good at what I do...and I know I can do SO much more.  Turning 30 has made me look at my career choice and accept that it might be time to move on...find something that will push me to grow, develop more skills, continue my education.  Not that where I am is not a good career choice, but I think I have gone as far as I can in my current position.  

It's funny how a birthday can make you think...question everything...and reflect...all I know is this next decade in life will bring many changes, and hopefully all for the better...The only person that can change my path in life is ME...and I think it is time I make the right choices in life to find the happiness I deserve/want. 

It's almost been a week since I discovered the past six months of my life have all been a lie...as each day passes...I guess I just think to myself...I am better off now that I know...I mean there will always be the question "Why?", and that question will never be answered...so it is better to just move on...lick the wounds...and find a way to move into the future, stronger, better, and less naive. 

I mean I was brought up to trust people, give the benefit of the doubt, and forgive.  I have to say I have learnt a good lesson...Trust is earned not given, and words mean nothing, if there are no actions to back them up!!!  As for forgiveness, I am not sure I can forgive this time...I can accept that I was treated badly...that I did nothing to stop it...and that I should have followed my gut...but why do this...go over and over things that there are no real answers too...nothing will be gained by it...

Lets look at the positives that have resulted...I am now out to everyone...I don't care who knows...I know who my real friends are...because they are the ones who supported me, even when they knew I was being fucked over...they just stayed by to help me pick up the pieces when I finally opened my eyes...and I know now what I want...and it is far different to what I wanted in the past...

I guess the one thing I want people to take from my experience here is...if you have ever been in the position of lying to someone you care about...DON'T...Think about the consequences, and think about the higher road...sometimes being honest is hard...because the things we have to say can be hurtful...but...in the end...if things are the way they are supposed to be...IT WON'T MATTER...I know I respect honesty more than anything...even if the truths I will hear are sometimes what I don't want to...you are more a friend to me if you can be honest with me...and I will respect you that much more for it...

So for any of you who have been around me the past 6 months...you will know I was in a relationship that drove me to be unlike myself...you will know that I have had emotional highs and lows...and you will know I THOUGHT I WAS IN LOVE...well today I realized...it was all one big fucking lie...all of it...and it hurts...

I mean what kind of person makes up different identities, lies like there are no consequences, treats other people emotions like they are punching bags...How the fuck can anyone wake up in the morning and look themselves in the mirror without being fucking disgusted with what they see...

Well my "boyfriend" Kyle...was all of the above...told me he had left his boyfriend a year and a half ago...LIE...Told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me...LIE...Met my family and friends and told them how much he cared about me...LIE...Told me he had to go to Alcohol Rehab...LIE...Told me his grandma was in hospital with possible stroke...LIE...created a friend named Debbie who's mom died of cancer and dad two months later died in a car accident...the list could go on but it makes me sick just typing it...HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND...WHY DID I NOT SEE THIS...WHY DID I FALL IN LOVE WITH A FUCKING ASS HOLE...

One thing I know...is my feelings were real...wasted but real...and I will never be treated like this again...ever...no pity parties here guys...I brought this on myself...I should have been smarter, I should have settled for nothing more than being treated with the same respect I was giving...BUT at least I have closure...and I know...I am far better off without that piece of shit in my life...

I sit and try make excuses still for what he has done...ask me why...I have no idea...but it can only get better from here...and I am going to do my best to put this behind me...for good...I have a great family, awesome set of friends...and an amazing employer...time to focus on the things that are good in my life...I have come so far on my personal journey to let this destroy everything I have worked so hard to change...

I guess this will be my first real rant...and maybe not my last...but for those of you who have been there for me through it all...Thank you from the bottom of my heart...without people like you in my life...I would be so lost...and I am grateful for everything...

So 6 years ago I came to grips with who I truly am, and accepted that I was gay.  Probably one of the hardest moments in my life, BUT something had to give.  I mean I was trying so hard to live life for everyone around me, that I lost focus on the things that truly mattered to me.  Everyone around me would have had no idea what was going on in my head, I was always the guy with a smile, nothing could be wrong.  BUT I was so unhappy inside, scared alone, ashamed.  I did everything I could to avoid discovering who I am, I had two jobs, sang semi pro, and was at university full-time.  I did all this avoid discovering the real ME.

Once my first relationship was over I was at a crossroads, and needed to make some decisions.  My parents found out about me NOT by choice (both are very supportive of me now).  So I had to make a choice, the "cat was out of the bag" did I want to push it back in.  The answer to that was NO.  My first boyfriend didn't work out, but what I took from that relationship was that I was the happiest I had ever been, and I had nothing to be ashamed of.  If people could not accept me for who I was, than i did not need those people in my life.  So I chose to tell all my immediate family, and all my close friends.  What a difference that made to my life.  I WAS FINALLY FREE!!!

With all that off my shoulders it was time to discover ANDREW, my wants and needs as a human being.  So i decided to make some changes in my life.  I started to work out, eat better, make healthier choices both mentally and physically.  And 5 years later I am now down 78 pounds, went from a 42 waist to a 33, 48 jacket to a 42, and am the healthiest I have ever been.  It's funny how being honest with yourself and those around you is liberating.  Makes you realize how much time you have wasted on hiding, not being true to yourself or those around you. 

I mean lets face it, being gay is 2% of who I am.  It's what I do in a bed room, and frankly that is nobodies business.  I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, shower, eat breakfast, you get the point I am trying to make.  I am no different to anyone else.  I am not saying it is easy, but is life supposed to be easy?  I guess in some respects yes, and in some no.  I just live each day, thankful for the friends and family I have.  People who have never judged me for who I am, and support me with the choices I make; right or wrong. 

The end result is my ever changing body and mind. 

Before and After pictures...the bigger Andrew pics were taken a year into my weight loss.